One year ago today, on April 17th, 2012, I was urgently hospitalized for severe depression. Years of pain and exhaustion, going from one doctor to another, who did not believe me, or having me try out medication for about anything and everything, that in the end made me feel like a test-lab rat, finally made me lose all my will to go on living. By not eating, I figured my heart would not take it in the end, and then my everyday excruciating pain and exhaustion would end.
If it had not been for my husband at the time, and my best girlfriend, I do not think, I would be sitting here today. Because of their action, by taking me to the hospital where I was put under close surveillance and regularly fed, until I was strong enough - in my mind and body – I was then able to bounce back and
continue living my life again.
Being hit with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has completely changed my life. From being a very active woman all my life, being in charge of myself, confident, self motivated and fun, I now feel useless, dependent and boring. I get really frustrated because I still feel like the old me but my body can't keep up. I get really tired and feel nobody really understands what a struggle it is to keep going. Life is not too much fun any more.
Not a second, a minute a day goes by, that I am not in pain. However, I have found ways to cope with most of the pain. But living in a permanent fog where I can't even think straight is affecting me and life in general. I am so tired all the time that I can't do much and I have stopped socializing more or less, due to widespread pain.
Looking back over the year, I'll admit, it has not been easy. I still suffer with excruciating pain and debilitating fatigue every single day and night. I still feel the depression creep up, and I have to fight it off through prayer, and my love for writing keeps my mind on track.
What has changed during this past year? Well, I'm not ready to give up. I love everything life has to offer. I was blessed with a life, and I'm so grateful waking up every morning to a new day. Yes, I admit, I really want the old me back, but until then, I will not give up on life that's so very precious.
|Haiga by Sannel Larson|